5 Foods That Everyone Agrees On

I have a confession to make, I don't take pride in it, and I certainly don't expect any pity, but i've been an incredibly picky eater all my life, I try new things here and now, but I started out not even thinking chicken wings were good  D:

Get that spoon out of my mouth before I break your face

In my experience as a picky eater, I have learned a couple things though:




1. Everyone wants to tell you how much you're missing out on the food they like to eat. It's not enough I have to watch everyone enjoying food I hate, they have to verbally remind me of my deficiency.

"You're Missing Out On Cabbage & Beans"

2. Avoid Eating at people's houses when it's going to be a surprise what they make, because you might not like it and they will hate you for not eating their food.

You don't like my food???

In light of number two, here is a list of food that everyone, particularly me, enjoys.

Pictured: Food of the Gods

5. Pizza

Pizza is one of those things that could possibly bring peace to the middle east if everyone had a slice. If I ever met a person that didn't enjoy pizza I would have a very hard time trusting that person, as it would indicate they have no taste in anything.

Have you ever noticed some people will just devour pizza like the slice is going to vaporize? It's like they have to have a whole box to themselves, like what the heck yo? Save some for everyone else.

This is an actual hamburger

4. Hamburgers

Have you ever met someone that didn't like hamburgers? I bet they were some grubby little kid with kool aid stains on their shirt.

Hamburgers are for everyone, unlike Trix, which are only for kids, discriminating little brats. Heck, I still eat trix though, even though somehow I feel dirty doing it. It feels like I'm stealing from kids in africa knowing that I'm depriving some little runt a box of Trix. What if I cause a Trix shortage in America by throwing off the balance of kids to adults eating Trix, Soon they are going to start regulating it heavily.When  are they going to start asking for ID's to buy Trix? We don't know, but if they'll strip rape you at the airport, asking for ID's to buy food is the logical next step.

A whole box of civil rights violations

Back to the subject of hamburgers, you ever wondered how it is that when you cook a hamburger on the grill yourself, it tastes NOTHING like the hamburgers at any of the fastfood restaurants?

What the heck are they putting in there? Even though I love a good old number 1 at McDonalds, you cannot tell me that it tastes like natural beef. McDonalds beef is like the equivalent of cocaine after it's been cut(had baking soda or other powders added) by three different dealers to maximize profits.

But then you tell yourself you want a good old homemade hamburgers, and decide to fry one up yourself. For some reason making homemade hamburgers is just never as appetizing as McDonalds, half the people that think they can cook hamburgers end up overcooking it, so all the flavor is gone, or they use some weird, ghetto beef and it turns out all nasty.

3. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

Ahh grilled cheese sandwiches, there's not a whole lot to say about them, besides that they are delicious. Toasted, buttery, artery clogging bread, stacked with several different types of cheese, is not only a recipe for impotence, but it's also one darn good sandwich.

The only thing that ruins a Grilled Cheese Sandwich, is when health nuts skimp out on the cheese, or try to make it with some weird freaking nut bread.

Why do health nuts have to ruin all food? C'mon, is that extra year you'll add onto your life really worth missing out on all the great, unhealthy food out there?

On that same note, cancer isn't even that bad, everyone should start smoking if you want to look cool, else wise you're a loser, everyone knows that!

2. Lasagna

Out of all the items on this list, lasagna definitely has to be my favorite, when I hear someone is having lasagna at their house, I don't even wait for an invitation, I just show up and dig in, then leave.

It's easier not to have to talk to people after stealing a couple plates of lasagna, I just want to sit there and let my body absorb the fat that I just consumed, and forget about the idiots I just screwed out of their lasagna.

The one thing I don't like about lasagna on occasions is when whoever's preparing the lasagna decides to smother it in ricotta cheese, if you're one of these people, stick to Stoeffers man, they make a mean lasagna and it's perfect, we don't need you mucking it up or trying to make it healthier by using a different kind of sauce.

1. Garlic French Bread

French bread is the last on this list, but can we be honest? It's the first thing that goes into most people's mouths when this side dish is served. The french have never really done anything worthwhile, EXCEPT make french bread, and I think it almost makes up for their otherwise useless existences.

French bread is so good we even try to Americanize it, by calling it things like Texas toast. Nobody in texas has progressed beyond beans and a steak, so don't try to take credit for something the french thought up. Even though if you do the french probably won't do anything about it. It's your call!

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Weekly Cat Pictures!

Even a cynic can't resist the regal charms of the feline, here are some of the cutest cat pictures I've seen this week, I'm going to make this a regular thing...

Let me lay here forever!

You've got something on your forehead!

I will rearrange your face!

Tuna? You have something for me up there? It smells good!

Who ever said hot and cold didnt mix?

Two headed cat!

My neck itches!

Chill out man! Everything's gonna be okay!

Give us attention, you've been pounding away at this black box for hours!

Cat hot dog

Where's the catnip bro?

These bathsalts are making me freak!

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5 Most Annoying Things Facebook Users Do

Ahh, Facebook, my home when I'm at home, my gateway to everything that is hip and groovy on the internet. Oh how I love thee Facebook, I love the constant arguments that

I get into about religion, politics, and every other ridiculous topic that could possibly come to mind.

I love how it's like a huge popularity contest on there, and I feel a sense of satisfaction with myself if one of my status updates gets liked. It feels great, it's like being on drugs except its free, but will most likely ruin my life just the same.

Basically Facebook is awesome, and anyone who doesn't have one is a freaking loser!

But there are some things that are definitely annoying about Facebook, they don't really have to do with Facebook itself, they have more to do with the actual users themselves.

"But Cynical Cyborg, are you trying to say that people can be annoying? I thought you loved everybody." I do love everybody, the way a fat kid loves a hamburger, I love everybody only for the things they can do for me. So once you stop fitting into that category, it's not that I hate you, it's just that I'm going to remove you from my friends list and never talk to you again.

Anyhow! Let's get on with the list shall we?

5. Send out non stop app request and game request

It's okay, we get it, really, you've got nothing better to do than play 21 questions, and tend to your farm, and add fish to your fishtank. Some of us have freaking lives!

Some of us have a status to update, a blog to write, or people we actually want to talk to, we dont want your lousy game request clogging up our notification bar.

They should SERIOUSLY think about adding an extra button on the notification bar specifically for game and app request, that way if I never want to check a single app request, I dont have to.

I swear, only the lowest of the lowest common denominator use those apps. Most of them are like a giant pyramid scheme, where you get sent an app inviation from somebody trying to get farther in the game, or unlock more questions that were answered about them, then for your to be able to play the game succesfully, you've gotta send out 100 app invites to all your friends, and then on and on the cycle goes.

Then you've got the ones that are basically like a virus, you give it permission and it starts posting status updates for you, what's with that facebook? How can an app be allowed to submit individual status updates for you? That sounds like a recipe for disaster.

4. Comment about what you're eating

This one should go without saying, but apparently some people think that other people want to know every detail of their digestive habits. Naming your favorite restaurant is one thing, but giving details about every restaurant you go to, what you ate there, who was there with you, and so on and so forth is just annoying. 

Do you really expect people to click like on a status like this? Or is it just more for posterity? 

Keeping a record of everything you eat just spams up the news feed with topics that are completely uninteresting to most people. Unless you have people on your friends list that have a serious food fetish, might want to stay away from food related topics. It just makes me hungry and annoyed, and being that I'm  cyborg, it's not a good combination, I might go cyborg elite on your butt and blow up the whole Internets.

3. Like those mass like pictures that 250,000 other people have liked

Okay, we get it, you like to express your viewpoint, the same viewpoint that 80,000 other people had. Most of these pictures that flood my news feed on a regular basis don't even have a semblance of intelligence to them, People don't understand how completely irritating this is to me!

I hate these pictures with a passion, in fact, I made it a mission to completely unsubscribe from any person that even clicked ONE of these pictures, and now, tah dah, my news feed is finally interesting again!

The biggest problem with these pictures, is that it could easily be condensed into a single line of text, but they make it a freaking picture so that as MANY people as possible click like on them. Its all an attention getting scam!

Hopefully this will all blow over just like those stupid "Most Beautiful Teen Contest" things did.

2. Update your status every single second

Some people imagine that their lives are similar to a reality TV show, they're such drama queens, and so good looking that people want to know every little detail.

In our day and age, everyone wants to be a celebrity, and becoming a celebrity seems like it's just a few clicks away!

We've got you tube celebrities, then there were all the musicians that got big off of Myspace in the yesteryear of social networking. The new trend is letting everyone know about the last meal you ate, the last time you went to the bathroom, the last book you read, and the last zit you popped. This is reality TV gold, you're one step away from Jersey Shore if you keep this up!(On a side note, it really is more interesting than Jersey Shore, I'll give you that!

But hey, we can all be guilty of giving a little bit of TMI over facebook, you can't give people a platform and then expect people not to use it I guess.

1. Adding people you don't know

In this day and age of child molestation, butt rape, and sexual deviancy, the biggest way to look like a creep is to add people you don't know.

I can understand people that are using FaceBook to promote their band, or to establish freakishly huge friends list' to impress your friends with, but to add people on FaceBook specifically just to "get to know them" is really just as creepy as it gets.

It sends a message of desperation, being a hopeless nerd, and being a total loser!

This isn't the 90's anymore, where you come up with some Gothic chat name like "xxxAssasinBabexxx" and then chat with strangers all day. This is the age of internet paranoia, where literally any friend request that comes through, could possibly be taking you one step closer to losing your rape virginity, and that's something precious that you definitely want to hold onto! Trust me, most people that I know that lost it hated it!

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Things I hate about public restrooms

Welcome Humans...to my blog.

Reading this blog is a recipe for sarcastic behavior, anyone who reads it should be stoned(as in with rocks, not the weed kind).

Herein I will discuss a diverse assortment of topics that completely grind my gears, rustle my jimmies, and make my blood run hotter than the fires of hell that are burning for any man, woman, or child that disagrees with my viewpoints. I mean that in the most respectful way possible, as if were at all possible to respect a simpleton that fails to see my point, but I digress.

The first topic I will touch on is...

Things About Public Restrooms That Really Piss Me Off.

Your average park restroom

First you have your public park. You never want to take a dump at a public park unless your life depends on it, you never know what diseases could be waiting to assault your orifice when you sit on that toilet, and don't tell me they clean those toilets regularly, every bum in the city is using that restroom for God knows what, and he doesn't even wanna know.

But sometimes duty calls, and the options become: risk getting a rectum eating parasite from sharing the same toilet as a homeless man that forgot the meaning of personal hygiene and disease control years ago, or get in your car and drive to your house. Usually you will opt to use the park restroom, and it's never a fun experience.

Duty calls, all over your face

Whats with the faucets in public park restrooms? You know the ones where you hit the button and it gives you about two seconds of water to wash the slime off of your hands that just shot out of the soap dispenser?You have to keep pressing the freakin thing every 2 seconds, doesn't it kind of defeat the purpose of washing your hands anyways? You just touched that thing before you washed your hands, and now you're going to touch it again, no matter what you walk away with dirty hands, and most likely you're going to be handling birthday cake, pizza, or hotdogs, none of which are a good combination with the type of germs you're carrying around. You're better off not even washing your darn hands at that rate, just splash some water on them to give everyone the illusion of safety from bum germs.

Cyborg Nemesis

Washing your hands after you use the bathroom seems to be something we just do as a ritual, it's like people have forgotten what the actual purpose was. What's the point of washing your hands if there's no soap? Do you feel better after going through the ritual even if you didn't use soap? Like somehow germs have a weakness for water?

Another thing I can't stand, is those paperless hand dryers. You know the ones, we all know the ones. It shoots out a stream of air and never gets your hands dry, you have to wipe it on your shirt, but we still use them every time, even though they do NOTHING.

One more useless than the other, you decide

Then you've got your nicer restroom, at your job perhaps, it's decked out with all the luxuries that the modern Urine and Fecal industry can provide. But it sucks just as bad, here's why:

Most of them haven't mustered up the courage to let you control the water flow themselves, so you're still stuck pressing that button, all though they might bump it up to four seconds of water flow if they're generous.

A big staple of the modern restroom has now become those stupid automatic paper dispenser. You know the one's where they try to seriously limit the amount of paper you get. The put a time delay in between sheets, so no one gets an unfair amount of paper, we are having a serious paper shortage so it's probably a good idea. The only problem is they never give you enough to dry your hands, they give you a sheet that's a quarter of the size of your standard paper towel sheet, and it's usually a cheap brand that barely absorbs any water.

So they've got those automatic soap dispensers, which spit out WAY more soap than you need, then you've got those timed water faucets that never give you enough water to get the soap off, and then a paper towel that's not big enough to get all of the water off. The whole thing doesn't make any freaking sense!

All in all you're left with two options: Don't wash your hands at all, you'll still have less germs than if you do wash them, or wash them and stand there waiting for the automatic dispensers to give you enough to actually allow you to thoroughly wash your hands.

Screw the rain forest, I take as many paper towels as I need. We all know these corporations don't get those air dryers or automatic paper towel dispensers to do something good for the environment anyhow, they buy them so they can save a couple bucks and add it to the CEO's salary, after everyone applauds him for being such a benefactor towards the wildlife in the rain forest.

I'm out. Peace.

-The Cynical Cyborg

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